What I want. What we all want.

     I didn't know what we wanted until I watched Little Women. 

Between he and Christoph Waltz, I may
have a thing for old German men.

     It is the assumption of the general public that I have read all the works of Jane Austen, seen and beloved a great many musicals, and know my way around high fantasy fiction. People assume this like they assume that I am comfortable at parties. In reality, I am neither well read, nor comfortable in large groups of people. I know a little bit about lots of things and my natural body language happens to say to others, "Totally comfortable at this party right now, don't even worry about it," so it's easy to assume that I am supremely confident. 
     Now that you know these two truths about me, let me tell you what I want, what we, all of us, want. 
     When I was, oh, twenty-one? Twenty-two? I watched Little Women for the first time. I have not read it. One of my best friends swore by it as she came from a family of girls who really are familiar with all the classics and supremely confident. I bought the movie for $5 at Target and watched it a few months later when no one else was home. I fell in love. I loved it more than I hated the awkward cry face of Claire Danes. I loved it because I felt just like Jo. Like Jo, I would never be attracted to Christian Bale--why is his mouth like that? She wins the heart of the foreign professor who's all salt and pepper and good with kids. When she got her manuscript back and discovered Professor Bhaer had gotten it published, I, in the midst of writing my first novel, cried instantly.
     The thing that got me in Little Women, the reason I love it so much, is that I feel like I am Jo and more than anyone else in that movie, Jo gets what we all want. Everyone, except poor, dead Danes gets a happy ending...actually, she kind of got what she wanted, too...but Jo is the one who gets what every one of us really deeply wants. It's when Professor Bhaer says, "Oh, Jo. Such a small name for such a person!" 
     In that moment, Jo has been understood. He looked at her and he saw everything she was and everything she wasn't and he loved her. 
     That is what we, all of us, want. To be seen. And known. And loved anyway. 

My Experience in Community Theater: Episode Four: The People You'll Find Here

     As a writer, I tend to see people as a collection of identifiers. Like everyone is a character with just enough back story to form an opinion about them. Here is the rest of the cast if they were boiled down to a few traits:

Erica 

A talented, dedicated actress in her thirties who's short career in the theater has been fruitful and allows her to call everybody Sweetie without ever sounding patronizing.

Will

His long running involvement in theater, seat on the theater board, and voice as deep and smooth as a pool full of pudding have convinced you that, though you may find him texting in the middle of his scene, when it's show time he will not let you down.

Kathryn 

Actress by night, organic pesticide maker and vendor by day. She is available at anytime to run lines or read your aura.

Tori(not me)

All hail the theater kids! She grew up in the theater, studied it at school, teaches it at Redmond Proficiency Academy, and is the kind of hard-working, well-rounded adult capable of making an actual career out of the theater.

Patricia 

The empty nester who's coming back into her own by acting and writing. She's sweet, motherly, and unfailingly positive. Also, she's a real classy broad and wears leopard print.

Justin

The ageless wonder. His grey hair looks blonde. He has nearly no wrinkles. His name is Justin. His voice is light and boyish. I may have thought he was a full 12 years younger than his actual age for the first week I knew him. Having all sisters has made him a peacemaker and a pillar of calm in a theater that can be a turbulent sea of 'artistry'.

Daniel. 

Daniel, all of 24, is so many things:

Husband 

Parent 

Veteran 

Engineer 

Writer

 Ballerina

      A few extra thoughts: 
      Erica plays mean like a pro, but she is genuinely kind in a way I am not. Will is a major nerd and when I talk to him I feel like I'm talking to my big brother. Kathryn is curious about the world around her and not afraid to take leaps of faith. Tori is ambitious and brave. Patricia is exactly where I want to be in a few years; happily married, kids well-raised and off on their own and me, acting and writing and pursuing life everyday. Justin is never afraid to ask a question. He values the answer more than his seeming smart--he must know this never makes him look dumb. And Daniel is my first choice for both Person I'd Most Like to Have a Youtube Channel With and Person I'd Most Like to Be in a Life Threatening Situation With. He would thrive in either of those settings.

      These are the incredible people you will find here in community theater. I'm thankful that I get another month with them.

THE END OF EPISODE FOUR

Closed Captioning provided by, The Games Afoot! or Holmes for the Holidays, premiering this Thursday at 7:30 at Cascade Theatrical Company! Performances Thursday-Sunday through Nov. 24th and again Dec. 5th-8th

My Experience in Community Theater: Episode Three

Any and all acting experience I have comes from either acting out stories in my room, or hosting live classes online for 3 ½ years. Yet, in all that time, I never acted with anyone else. My first experience of acting with another person came the second night of auditions.
 Having read for The Inspector the night before, I sat, as you may remember, nauseated in my seat. I read for a character named Aggie in a scene that required a lot of yelling and was, therefore, awesome. In that scene I played opposite a guy I remember simply as that nice guy. Two other girls who I’d made friends with that night were in that scene as well. I remember feeling like we were all just having fun on stage.

  The final scene I read for was between a husband and wife. Now, in auditions we mostly just stood there and read the lines. I, in particular, did not even try to follow stage directions because I read very slowly. But it was the end of the second night and this scene had been read by several people so the actors upped the performance each time.

    I delivered my first line of dialogue and looked over at the guy reading with me. His usually laughing face was covered with this guarded expression. I thought, Whoa, he’s intense and that makes this so much easier. And suddenly the scene clicked. I knew who I was and what I was doing. Everything came naturally.

Liam, the director, ended the night with a little speech about how difficult it was going to be to cast this play and how if one character had to play very strongly off of another, then it affected who would be cast. I smiled and nodded through the whole thing as though he were speaking only to me; telling me why, though I am a lovely person, I would not be chosen for this particular play.

While I was going to sleep that night, I only let myself indulge for a few moments in the thought of what could happen if I were cast. What if I got cast as Aggie and whoever That Guy was got cast as Simon and Nice Guy got cast as the main guy. I am frighteningly good with names.

The next morning I check my email. Nothing. I checked it a few more times, but by 11:00 accepted the fact that I was not going to be in the play.

Aw, well, that’s ok. I knew I wouldn’t get cast. It had been fun. It had been a growing experience. It was totally worth the nausea. And I really didn’t have time to be in a play anyway.

At 2:00 I got a call. It was the director. He’d misread my email address and was calling to ask if I would accept the role of Aggie and would I be able to make it to rehearsal that night. I was dumbfounded. I said yes. I may have cried a little bit, it was so completely unexpected. I couldn’t believe they thought I could act! (I still kind of can’t believe that, actually.)

When I showed up to rehearsal four hours later, who should I see but That Guy and Nice Guy! That Guy(whose human name is Daniel) plays Simon and Nice Guy(whose human name is Justin) is our leading man. It was one of the few times that things worked out in real life just as I'd hoped and I don't take that for granted. 

Especially now that I’m in the trenches. It turns out my role has a certain level of physicality to it and that demands trust between myself and Justin, and myself and Daniel. I could not have gotten two more trustworthy guys, they’re stupendous.

            And ridiculous. Yeah, they’re mostly ridiculous. Justin has impeccable timing for his subtle one liners and asks deep, thought provoking questions. Daniel is always happy to talk about his wife, whom he is madly in love with, and will physically pick you up if you’re not on your guard.

            More on them later…

END OF EPISODE THREE

Tune in for the next episode of My Experience in Community Theater: Episode Four: The People You’ll Find Here

My Experience in Community Theater: Episode Two

And then, as fate would have it, I, Saint Cupcake, was thrown a bone.

When I was 12, I was obsessed with Lord of the Rings. Like, an embarrassing amount. I would make up and act out stories about it in my room. But everything I said sounded so wrong for those characters in my regionally non-specific American accent that I started softening my R’s to sound more British. Over the past 11 years I have carved out a pretty authentic English accent. This enabled me to catch the bone fate had thrown.
     In this particular play, which takes place in Connecticut in 1936, there happens to be a character that is both female and English. She’s a large, frumpy, middle-aged woman mostly referred to as The Inspector. I had gotten pretty comfortable in my chair by this point, as I had not volunteered to read for anything, when the director asked a woman to read for The Inspector. She seemed to be a very capable actress, but didn’t do well with the accent. When she finished, the director asked if anyone else wanted to read for The Inspector and I raised my hand and said quickly, “Oh! I would!”

Just like that. Like I had been waiting in the back for inspiration to strike or for a character I really felt. But that isn’t true. I don’t know if you picked up on what had happened here, but the bone I caught was not that I love accents and happen to be pretty good at this particular one—it was that this woman had not been good and I knew I was better than she was.

I was the girl who could not drag herself on stage until she had proof that she was going to be better at it than someone else. Cowardice is dangerously easy to dress up.

I am not one to think very highly of myself, but I really didn’t think I was one to use another’s weakness as the ego boost required to do something I had volunteered for in the first place. I might be making a big deal of this because my reading a scene was not, in and of itself, a mean thing to do. But if I am known as anything, I want to be a cheerleader(figuratively). I want to be for everyone. I want to rally for the success of each individual I come into contact with.

This has given me a little insight into why actresses and actors are batsh*t crazy. It’s because they must compete for everything. And once you get it, you still haven’t won, you have to then prove that you deserved to get it, that you’re capable. You also spend a large amount of your time with other people who are crazy for all the same reasons as you. In community theater that means you become this little family unit. I currently have one cousin, two friends, one big sister, one aunt, one brother, and one twin.

Something I didn’t really expect was how much say you don’t have. I didn’t know until the first read through that kissing would be involved. I don’t really care, but it’s something to know you don’t get a say in the matter. The first dress I tried on had a much lower neckline than I’m used to, but it’s my costume, so there you go. (It deserves to be said that this dress is a floor-length ivory gown with sheer fabric over the chest. It’s no Jessica Rabbit.) The Inspector has one line that I really would not want to say. You just don’t get much choice. I was lucky in that I got a character who I am both comfortable with portraying and who is really super awesome. Fantastic bit of writing there.

END OF EPISODE 2

Will Tori get a role? Yes, you can tell that she did. Will she learn not to be a coward? Probably not. Will she save Timmy from the well? That is not a question that was posed here. Tune in next time for the exciting continuation of My Experience in Community Theater! 

My Experience in Community Theater: Episode One

I nearly threw up. Both nights of auditions I thought I was going to vomit; such was my terror. It’s not that I don’t like attention or wanted it so badly I could taste it.{Or rather the fish tacos from that afternoon} It’s that I hate being laughed at and I hate looking stupid. If I am not talented in a particular area, I want to be the first to know.
     As a freshman in high school I joined the beginners choir. It was the one you didn’t have to audition for. There were a few opportunities throughout the year to get solos. I tried out for most of them and even got one. {One Fine Day, first verse, yes, I am prepared to break this out should anyone ever break up with me.} There was a girl in my choir whose name I never learned. She was…something. Have you seen Rise of the Guardians? {Not the owl movie. If you haven’t, you must, best animated movie in a long, long time and the best animated villain in the past ten years.} Well, this girl looked like a blondish version of Cupcake: 

• Medium height
• Broad shoulders 
• Hair she may have cut herself 
• Unicorn shirts that were not ironic or well-fitted 
• Backpack in the shape of an animal

     Cupcake auditioned for every solo. She could not sing. 

     I say I can’t sing, but that’s just because I’m the least capable singer in my family—well, tied for least with my mother. Cupcake didn’t sing any discernible notes, she just warbled up and down. She had a sense of timing I didn’t know could exist until she was on the microphone between two separate pairs of cheerleaders so self-possessed and co-dependent that they were rendered incapable of both not auditioning and auditioning alone. I remember sitting in my chair in the second soprano section and trying to smile supportively as though that might drown out the snickering of the first soprano section. It did not. All I could think was, She doesn’t know. She honestly does not know what she sounds like. Everyone else knows. It was the second most painful moment of my life until then. {The first most painful had been when my mom and I accidentally hit that deer with our Dorango.}
     I did not audition for that solo. What if I don’t know either? What if I don’t know and everybody else does? Actually, I don’t remember, but I may not have auditioned for another solo for the rest of my choir career. What I did do was make a promise to myself. A vow, even, given the ferocity with which I have kept it. I vowed to never ever be Cupcake. I would always know. I would be the first to know and I would make sure that everyone knew that I knew when I was bad at something. That’s right, not only would I never be Cupcake, I would never be mistaken for her either. This, you can imagine, is quite a large responsibility to carry.
     So, when I showed up to auditions at Cascade Theatrical Company, a good ten years later, I nearly threw up. According to the voice in my head, I had just sentenced myself to the very fate I had staved off for the past decade. I was new back in town and wanted to meet people and be part of a team project. Like a lamb, I, Saint Cupcake, went silently and nauseated to the slaughter.
     I didn’t think I could act. I certainly didn’t know how to audition. I didn’t know the technical rules of being on stage. I didn’t know what I should sound like or act like or be like at all. I didn’t have any concept of what would be expected of me. I just knew that I was the least experienced and that everyone could tell. I didn’t think they’d laugh, just pity me in respectful silence; as one does with saintly martyrs.
    And then, as fate would have it, Saint Cupcake was thrown a bone.

END OF EPISODE ONE

Will Victoria get a role? Will she vomit on stage? Will she actually be martyred in a vat of boiling oil? Tune in next time to see the exciting conclusion of My Experience in Community Theater!

A Little Free Write to Get My Head Straight

In hopes of concentrating, I've written the meanderings of a very sad person. I don't know who she is, maybe I'll write her story sometime:

Rain fell that night. Not a particularly interesting fact, I suppose. Rain falls most nights in winter. But every time I think about him all I see's the rain. I hear it. And feel it in my hair. I don't smell it. You can't smell the rain here. It doesn't announce itself. Just comes and is, until it goes. Sometimes when I dream all I see is the rain and I know I've gone back there; to that night. When I wake up, my face is wet. Laura says it's because I've been crying. But I know. I know it's that damned rain.

Welcome to Bend, OR! Where everyone smiles and the traffic laws don't matter!

After living in the Portland/Vancouver area for five years, I've moved back to my hometown of Bend, OR. Bend, if you are not aware, is home to 80,995 people(except in the summer when the population jumps to 100,000. Tourists, right.) A number which is rivaled only by our brewpubs and roundabouts. If you're going to move to any city in Oregon besides Portland, there are plenty of arguments to be made for Bend.

1. Bend has over 300 days of sunshine each year.
2. Mt. Bachelor is in spitting distance for those of you who love both winter sports and spitting.
3. The Deschutes is floatable in the summer time, and unlike those pesky "cool" rivers that make you shiver, Dessie is all snow melt. After a good 10 minutes your body will stop hurting and just go numb.
4. SMILES! Everyone is nice to you. I heard that we were voted one of the most welcoming cities in the country, but all I could find was an award we got last year for being the Dog-friendliest city. The official title is DogTown USA. It's less impressive.
5. If you look us up on a map, we're right in the very middle of the whole dang state!
6. There's plenty of culture to mix in with your small town America. And by culture, I still mean Caucasian.

Of course, being back for about two weeks, I can tell you a thing or two that you will not find in Bend.

1. Efficient drivers. Move to a small town, they said. There won't be any traffic, they said. They were right, but whatever traffic there is is probably being caused by a woman in a minivan letting every person in because she's horrible at life. People are so nice here that they break traffic laws.
2. Burgerville. We'll go ahead and label this one a blessing and a curse.
3. Gourmet coffee. GOTCHA! This place is neigh overflowing with cafe's. I know because I just gave my resume to nearly all of them.
4. Reliable public transportation. This doesn't really matter to me as I'm pretty white collar when it comes to transpo.
5. The best Autumn in the state. That prize goes to PTown. Even the sex trafficking capital that is 82nd is magical when you're driving up Fremont in October.
6. Anything open after 10. Except McDonald's, but somehow they take longer at 10 than they do at 4.

These are the things I never noticed about Bend until I moved away and then came back. Still, Portland doesn't have my family and they were the 8 reasons that sealed the deal and brought me back home. Good to be here.
PTown, stay crazy. See you soon,
Victoria

Post Script: Bend never smells like pee, Portland never smells like rain. Bend gets this round.