The Unfair Prayer

I just wish you knew.
I wish you knew what was waiting.
I wish you knew who He was.
I wish the things that drive us to Him didn't hurt so much.
I'm praying that He'll meet you like I've never prayed before because I've never seen one who needed Him so much.
I know broken and I know frightened and I know the kind of pain that feels empty and numb. But I've only ever know those things while also knowing Him. How do you do it? How do you function? I don't ask out of judgement, I ask out of curiosity and fear. Sometimes I'm afraid for you. But, sometimes I'm afraid for me, too.
I also know whenever the rug gets ripped out from under me, I will fall into Him. Where will you fall? What will you hit when you get there?
In my mind I can see His hand catching you in mid air and peace covering your face. But when? How long will you be without it? Is it that you won't go to Him or that He has not shown Himself to you? God listens to the prayers of His people, but isn't everything done in His perfect timing? The knowledge that someday you might remember our conversation and think, "Perhaps I should give that a try," and you get saved then is not good enough this time.
But He is the God of Tonight.
You are my God. You are the God of the hurting. You are the God of the helpless. You are the God of the messed up. You are the God of peace. You are the God of hope which surpasses all understanding. You are God.
And I am Your servant.
And I have a prayer to pick with You.
Do it tonight.
Save tonight.
Reveal Yourself tonight.
Do. Not. Wait.
Because this, having You and watching other people suffer without,
this isn't fair.
And I don't want to do it anymore.

On my love of old German men.

     I have an affinity for older German men. Much older and pretty German. 

 

I mean...come on!

 It started with Inglorious Bastards. I, like all warmblooded beings who watched Inglorious Bastards, was mesmerized by Christoph Waltz's portrayal of Hans Landa. I had never seen anything like it before. I could try to describe why he's indescribably wonderful here, but I won't. The combination of Waltz and Tarantino leaves me speechless. Nothing else does, so enjoy this moment. Enjoy this moment specifically by finding a clip on YouTube of Hans Landa. Then, when you're speechless too, come back and read the rest of my post. You'll just be sitting there anyway.  

      I also love Professor Fritz Bhaer. He is a character in Little Women whom I talked about a bit here. I love him because he is the smartest, most open-minded guy in the room, but he's never condescending. He's the kind of guy you want to impress even though he's actually pretty sheepish. I tend to feel inferior around people older and smarter than me, like everything I say highlights my inexperience. But Fritz was the kind of older gentleman whose years only made him appreciate the young. Youth ought to be treasured, not sneered at. The point is, I love that German man. 

     My most recent Older German Love is less old than the others but till twelve years older than me, Michael Fassbender. I first saw him as Mr. Rochester in Jane Eyre. If you're not familiar with the role, he plays an emotionally unavailable tease with a temper. And he is amazing in it. He was also stunning in X-Men: First Class and--oh! I guess I first saw him in Inglorious Bastards where he plays a guy who, ironically, fails to be convincingly German and gets everybody killed. That scene is incredible. Seriously, go watch Inglorious Bastards. I'll come watch it with you, it is worth watching at least once. Please, it's genius.

I lived with a cat named Mr. Rochester. He was a jerk, too.

      Ok, back to the men. I only have one more thing to say about Michael Fassbender and that is that he is a bad a** mother******. There's just no two ways about it.

      Victoria, why do you love old German men? Well, it could be because I am German and am, thus, genetically disposed to liking them. But I don't think it's that. I think, as we get older, we value different things in the opposite sex. I used to value a similar sense of humor to my own over just about everything else. I still value this very very very very highly, but I also value a man's ability to pay his bills. 

      I know very funny young men whom I have no interested in dating because they don't seem to have any vocational goals or aspirations. Where's the passion? Where's the ambition? What are you doing with your life? We're at the age, fellas, where we can no longer just say,  "My dream is to be a firefighter someday." That's awesome. Now get into the necessary classes, you two-year-old. Sorry, that was mean, I shouldn't have said that. 

     The point is, the Recession that made you drop out of school is now over. Time to move your life forward. Post Depression, young men didn't get to live in their parents furnished basement and become semi-pro BMX racers. They got to become homeowners. And they got awesome Post Depression era wives who I imagine were strong working mothers and pretty BA. (Bad Ass. I doubt any of them had a Bachelor in the Arts. I'll stop swearing now, I promise.) I find myself liking old German men because I also find myself liking:

Simmons and Brando. So much class. 

1. Men who have their stuff together. Not all of their stuff all the way together, but, ya know, getting there.

2. Men who know what they want. What do you want? Be decisive. Have an opinion. Otherwise what are we ever going to talk about?

3. Men who know what they want and make it happen. Again, ambition. Also, the capability of handling life. I do this in my own life by writing my book and this blog and being a research intern. What do you want to do and how are you obtaining it today?

4. Men who are classy. Be able to have a conversation with a stranger. How's your handshake? Nothing says, "I can't provide for a family," like a weak handshake. Walk women to their cars. Not just your date, women. In general. Why? Because you're a man and it's what classy men do when interacting with women they respect. 

     While I don't think I will actually marry an older German man, I know I won't date Preston, the career barista. Or Lucas, the AT&T employee, but that's not because he's not ambitions, it's because I have never heard worse work stories than those of AT&T employees. And by worse, I mean mind-numbingly boring, but the person telling it has no idea. I want better things for my life and for my children. 

Yes, I play pretend. Yes, I am 23. Yes, I am single.

     Sometimes I find a secluded place and make up scenes by acting them out. Sometimes means nearly everyday. Turns out this is a common tactic among writers, but I didn't know that until last year. I always thought I was just the only 22-year-old who still fully invested in a great game of make-believe, so this is the first time I've admitted it publicly. Hey, it's not lame if it's a marketable skill!
     This is where all of my awesome ideas have come from. This is where and how my book was born. This is the method to my madness. This is also why you might hear whispering if you place your ear to my bedroom door. There's no one in there, I'm just a weirdo. 
Here are a few of the scenes I have written via role play:

• You're chased through the jungle, beaten, and left for dead.
• Your friend who's seen the future tells you have to sacrifice yourself to save the lives of hundreds of thousands. Includes a touching speech about how you can't because your children need their mother. It's so sad. 
• Your ex shows up at a party and says the one thing no one should ever say to you. You tell him that he deserves to be slapped, but that will only make you look dramatic, so instead, you calmly extort all of his deep dark fears that you know about because he is your ex. You win, he gets therapy.  
• You find out you're pregnant and you're happy. 
• You find out you're pregnant and you're not happy.
• You wake up from a coma. Lots of things ensue.
• Rejecting a proposal. 
• Killing your kidnapper with whatever objects happen to be in the house. 
• Surviving an earthquake. 
• Accepting the responsibilities of caring for the children you've just inherited. 
• Telling people you can do it, even though you're a woman. 
• Telling people you can do it, even though you're crippled. 
• Telling people you can do it, even though you're blind. 
• Storming into your reporter friend's office and screaming at him that you were his only ally!
• Shooting the leg of the man you're interrogating to show him that you're not screwing around. 
• Sassily standing up to the hard-boiled Commander in the war zone you're reporting on.
• Screaming at God. 

What was the last scene I wrote this way? 
     Riding on the gurney to keep pressure on a guy's wound so he won't bleed out and convincing him to hold on just a little bit longer. I cried. 
     It's so sad, because it didn't start out that way. They're just friends. He is young and southern and she is trying to make jokes about everything when he says, in his southern drawl, "Do you think a girl like you would ever have taken a guy like me?"
     "Well, I am currently on top of you, so take from that what you will."
     "I want you to know...you are the smartest girl I ever met." 
     "It's the accent," she said casually, "Turns out the 'regionally non-specific' accent is specific to the region of north-west Washington." 
     "You can be serious, it's ok." His hand gave her foot a weak pat. 
     He was comforting her. She was watching red life seep up from his abdomen and through her fingers and he was comforting her. 
     "No," she whispered, "I really can't." 

Are you crying yet? 

A Guest Post for Veteran's Day

     I wanted to write something in honor of Veteran's Day. Since I haven't got any military service under my belt, I've opted to share with you a brilliant piece of satire written by my good friend, Daniel Leifer, a Marine who served two tours in Afganistan. It's a bit long and--ye be warned--contains language you wouldn't usually find on this blog, but it's worth it!

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN – Marines have been using the Rifle Combat Optic from Trijicon for years — giving them a much clearer view on the battlefield.
But despite the improvements, they’ve still run into problems with Rules of Engagement violations and civilian casualties.
“That all ends today,” said Lieutenant Colonel Todd Brogan in a press conference in Kabul.

Brogan briefed the media on a Marine Corps research project — working alongside Trijicon and Afghan President Hamid Karzai — to improve the current weapon sight.
The result: a laser engraving alongside the reticle with currently accepted rules of engagement, escalation of force procedures, and pre-fire checklists.
“We’re hoping that having the ROEs presented over the Marine’s field of view will allow us to ensure that every pull of the trigger is a righteous one,”  said Lt. Col Brogan.
The Rules of Engagement to be engraved were agreed upon by top officials at the Pentagon and Afghan President Hamid Karzai. The RCO, with its tritium illuminated chevron and stadia, will also feature key ROE procedures, helping Marines make the right call.
The new rules have been highly criticized by ground troops, who claim they take away their rights to defend themselves.
“These new ROEs they’re trying to push on us is horseshit,” said Cpl Stanley Alvarez. “ROE 4244 is fucking lame. I can’t fire back unless the target has verbally identified himself as Taliban, and only if he’s been enrolled into HIIDEs [biometric scanning] and popped with priors.”
Afghan President Karzai has stressed the importance of protecting the Afghan people.
“There are no Taliban in Afghanistan anymore. My country is friendly to foreigners. Any fire the Americans have encountered is obviously celebratory to welcome the soldiers,” said Karzai. “I question their motives by their reports of being shot at and feel the ISAF ground troops are showing signs of intense paranoia.”
Marines who have tested the new reticles have questioned the ability of troops on the ground to read and comprehend them during the heat of combat.
Staff Sergeant Rudy Harrington, of Quantico Weapons Testing, was reserved in his views.

Author Daniel Leifer. Active duty? More like active YOLO.

“I think it’s a great idea on paper, but the wording of the ROEs is pretty lengthy and blocks out a lot of the field of view.  The RCO already has a pretty crowded reticle, and with the addition of several paragraphs of ROEs it becomes somewhat hard to acquire [Positive Identification] targets. Some of my Marines have complained of headaches after extended periods on the firing line, and during testing debriefs it’s come up that the size of the font in the RCO as well as attempting to focus on the reticle and the ROEs as the same time may be the cause. They placed ROE 4242 quite close to the outside of the field of view in one prototype we tested, and we were noticing it gave false scope shadow.”
ROE 4242 is another of the “Karzai-Approved” ROEs and states that American forces can only return fire on individuals when they  “ … see the whites of the enemy’s eyes.” This revision is in response to stray bullets known to occasionally hit the walls of mud compounds requiring the valuable local nationals’ time to repair.
ROEs have also been revised to protect the pet dogs in Afghanistan, who have been among the highest casualties since the war began in late October 2001. ROE 4244-K9 states that forces can only fire upon dogs found to be carrying illegal weapons. Since the AK-47 is a legal weapon in Afghanistan, forces must identify such illegal weapons as RPKs, PKMs, or RPGs.
Karzai has also demanded that the US military conform to California State Gun Laws, saying that “the rest of America should take lessons from their friends in Hollywood, including the American military.”
Lt. Col Brogan responded to questions relating to Karzai’s “CA legal” demands by saying, “That seems pretty severe.  I would be surprised if our friends at the Pentagon decided to implement those.”
Other proposed reticle enhancements include blacking out the Bullet Drop Compensator (BDC) beyond 100 meters to discourage shots from being taken beyond the range that positive identification can be reliably established.

And his familia.

“In addition to engraving ROEs into the reticles of our new ‘Karzai Approved’ RCOs, we are removing any compatibility with Night Vision Devices to comply with Karzai’s demand of ceasing all military operations at sundown,” said Lt. Col. Brogan.  “We are also phasing out guard post at night at our FOBs at COPs as a show of good-will with the Afghan people.”
“We all want the same thing,” continued Brogan. “To mitigate any and all civilian deaths amongst the Afghan community.  US Forces are committed to proving to the Afghan People that we have no desire to harm anyone who hasn’t proven themselves to be an enemy of America.”
Headquarters Marine Corps has ordered 14,000 of the new “Karzai Approved RCOs,” and plans on issuing them within the next 3 months to Marines in the field.

Read more: http://www.duffelblog.com

What I want. What we all want.

     I didn't know what we wanted until I watched Little Women. 

Between he and Christoph Waltz, I may
have a thing for old German men.

     It is the assumption of the general public that I have read all the works of Jane Austen, seen and beloved a great many musicals, and know my way around high fantasy fiction. People assume this like they assume that I am comfortable at parties. In reality, I am neither well read, nor comfortable in large groups of people. I know a little bit about lots of things and my natural body language happens to say to others, "Totally comfortable at this party right now, don't even worry about it," so it's easy to assume that I am supremely confident. 
     Now that you know these two truths about me, let me tell you what I want, what we, all of us, want. 
     When I was, oh, twenty-one? Twenty-two? I watched Little Women for the first time. I have not read it. One of my best friends swore by it as she came from a family of girls who really are familiar with all the classics and supremely confident. I bought the movie for $5 at Target and watched it a few months later when no one else was home. I fell in love. I loved it more than I hated the awkward cry face of Claire Danes. I loved it because I felt just like Jo. Like Jo, I would never be attracted to Christian Bale--why is his mouth like that? She wins the heart of the foreign professor who's all salt and pepper and good with kids. When she got her manuscript back and discovered Professor Bhaer had gotten it published, I, in the midst of writing my first novel, cried instantly.
     The thing that got me in Little Women, the reason I love it so much, is that I feel like I am Jo and more than anyone else in that movie, Jo gets what we all want. Everyone, except poor, dead Danes gets a happy ending...actually, she kind of got what she wanted, too...but Jo is the one who gets what every one of us really deeply wants. It's when Professor Bhaer says, "Oh, Jo. Such a small name for such a person!" 
     In that moment, Jo has been understood. He looked at her and he saw everything she was and everything she wasn't and he loved her. 
     That is what we, all of us, want. To be seen. And known. And loved anyway. 

My Experience in Community Theater: Episode Four: The People You'll Find Here

     As a writer, I tend to see people as a collection of identifiers. Like everyone is a character with just enough back story to form an opinion about them. Here is the rest of the cast if they were boiled down to a few traits:

Erica 

A talented, dedicated actress in her thirties who's short career in the theater has been fruitful and allows her to call everybody Sweetie without ever sounding patronizing.

Will

His long running involvement in theater, seat on the theater board, and voice as deep and smooth as a pool full of pudding have convinced you that, though you may find him texting in the middle of his scene, when it's show time he will not let you down.

Kathryn 

Actress by night, organic pesticide maker and vendor by day. She is available at anytime to run lines or read your aura.

Tori(not me)

All hail the theater kids! She grew up in the theater, studied it at school, teaches it at Redmond Proficiency Academy, and is the kind of hard-working, well-rounded adult capable of making an actual career out of the theater.

Patricia 

The empty nester who's coming back into her own by acting and writing. She's sweet, motherly, and unfailingly positive. Also, she's a real classy broad and wears leopard print.

Justin

The ageless wonder. His grey hair looks blonde. He has nearly no wrinkles. His name is Justin. His voice is light and boyish. I may have thought he was a full 12 years younger than his actual age for the first week I knew him. Having all sisters has made him a peacemaker and a pillar of calm in a theater that can be a turbulent sea of 'artistry'.

Daniel. 

Daniel, all of 24, is so many things:

Husband 

Parent 

Veteran 

Engineer 

Writer

 Ballerina

      A few extra thoughts: 
      Erica plays mean like a pro, but she is genuinely kind in a way I am not. Will is a major nerd and when I talk to him I feel like I'm talking to my big brother. Kathryn is curious about the world around her and not afraid to take leaps of faith. Tori is ambitious and brave. Patricia is exactly where I want to be in a few years; happily married, kids well-raised and off on their own and me, acting and writing and pursuing life everyday. Justin is never afraid to ask a question. He values the answer more than his seeming smart--he must know this never makes him look dumb. And Daniel is my first choice for both Person I'd Most Like to Have a Youtube Channel With and Person I'd Most Like to Be in a Life Threatening Situation With. He would thrive in either of those settings.

      These are the incredible people you will find here in community theater. I'm thankful that I get another month with them.

THE END OF EPISODE FOUR

Closed Captioning provided by, The Games Afoot! or Holmes for the Holidays, premiering this Thursday at 7:30 at Cascade Theatrical Company! Performances Thursday-Sunday through Nov. 24th and again Dec. 5th-8th

My Experience in Community Theater: Episode Three

Any and all acting experience I have comes from either acting out stories in my room, or hosting live classes online for 3 ½ years. Yet, in all that time, I never acted with anyone else. My first experience of acting with another person came the second night of auditions.
 Having read for The Inspector the night before, I sat, as you may remember, nauseated in my seat. I read for a character named Aggie in a scene that required a lot of yelling and was, therefore, awesome. In that scene I played opposite a guy I remember simply as that nice guy. Two other girls who I’d made friends with that night were in that scene as well. I remember feeling like we were all just having fun on stage.

  The final scene I read for was between a husband and wife. Now, in auditions we mostly just stood there and read the lines. I, in particular, did not even try to follow stage directions because I read very slowly. But it was the end of the second night and this scene had been read by several people so the actors upped the performance each time.

    I delivered my first line of dialogue and looked over at the guy reading with me. His usually laughing face was covered with this guarded expression. I thought, Whoa, he’s intense and that makes this so much easier. And suddenly the scene clicked. I knew who I was and what I was doing. Everything came naturally.

Liam, the director, ended the night with a little speech about how difficult it was going to be to cast this play and how if one character had to play very strongly off of another, then it affected who would be cast. I smiled and nodded through the whole thing as though he were speaking only to me; telling me why, though I am a lovely person, I would not be chosen for this particular play.

While I was going to sleep that night, I only let myself indulge for a few moments in the thought of what could happen if I were cast. What if I got cast as Aggie and whoever That Guy was got cast as Simon and Nice Guy got cast as the main guy. I am frighteningly good with names.

The next morning I check my email. Nothing. I checked it a few more times, but by 11:00 accepted the fact that I was not going to be in the play.

Aw, well, that’s ok. I knew I wouldn’t get cast. It had been fun. It had been a growing experience. It was totally worth the nausea. And I really didn’t have time to be in a play anyway.

At 2:00 I got a call. It was the director. He’d misread my email address and was calling to ask if I would accept the role of Aggie and would I be able to make it to rehearsal that night. I was dumbfounded. I said yes. I may have cried a little bit, it was so completely unexpected. I couldn’t believe they thought I could act! (I still kind of can’t believe that, actually.)

When I showed up to rehearsal four hours later, who should I see but That Guy and Nice Guy! That Guy(whose human name is Daniel) plays Simon and Nice Guy(whose human name is Justin) is our leading man. It was one of the few times that things worked out in real life just as I'd hoped and I don't take that for granted. 

Especially now that I’m in the trenches. It turns out my role has a certain level of physicality to it and that demands trust between myself and Justin, and myself and Daniel. I could not have gotten two more trustworthy guys, they’re stupendous.

            And ridiculous. Yeah, they’re mostly ridiculous. Justin has impeccable timing for his subtle one liners and asks deep, thought provoking questions. Daniel is always happy to talk about his wife, whom he is madly in love with, and will physically pick you up if you’re not on your guard.

            More on them later…

END OF EPISODE THREE

Tune in for the next episode of My Experience in Community Theater: Episode Four: The People You’ll Find Here